A New Union

After our two 25-year marriages ended, we each thought that we would never marry again. Our aversion took many forms in addition to "Hell, no, I'm not marrying again!" More subtle forms of aversion included wondering why we would marry lacking the desire for more children and being comfortable and satisfied living together as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." So how did we come to wed?

The simple answer is, "We don't know." There is alot of truth to that because we both feel increasingly led or guided by something beyond our understanding or control.

In September 2006, we noticed that we were enjoying planning our wedding -- before we had even talked about getting married! So we started exploring what was arising in the field of our relationship concerning getting married. We both acknowledged that the aversion to getting married had subsided and that we were curious and open to the inquiry.

We also acknowledged and recognized that we were living like we were married, and had been doing so for five years. In our five years together, we had learned that the treasured friendship that already existed between us not only endured the stormy times of living "up close," but our friendship had also deepened and expanded.

At the same time we recognized that we weren't married. We began wondering and inquiring what would be different in our relationship, and for each of us individiaully, were we to get married.

The practical considerations included getting Terry on Doug's health insurance plan (a plus) and paying higher taxes (a definite minus). Without children living at home, we didn't have some of the practical considerations that many blended families with younger children have.

As we inquired more deeply, what emerged was the sense that something would be possible, something would become available, in our relationship if we were to wed that would not be possible or available if we did not. We did not know what might be possible or what might become available were we to wed, but we sensed that the commitments that we would make to each other, and to ourselves, in marrying would change everything between us.

In February 2007, during our annual Diamond Heart 6 retreat, Hameed (one of our teachers and the founder of our school) described a wedding as being a kind of celebration -- the celebration of the birth of a new connection or relationship. We were inspired by these words because they described what we were beginning to understand from our own inquiries. The possibility we heard in Hameed's teaching was that a wedding is the celebration of the birth of a new union.

Our new union has brought us to wonderful new heights of joy, delight, pleasure, intimacy, and aliveness -- and to challenging new depths of fear, defensiveness, constriction, tension and facing off. We have opened ourselves to a great expansion, accompanied by a willingness to expose our deepest wounds and suffering. There is a new trust and safety made possible by our marital commitments, as well as a deeper intimacy and sharing.

What we are discovering is that as we expand, both individually and as a union of two souls, our ego structures are threatened. They fight and resist the expansion, and when we are identified with our structures, we find ourselves joining the fight that our egos never quit. We have to work both sides. We pay attention to the expansion and aliveness of our true nature, even as we attend to the contraction and defensiveness of our small selves. Surprisingly, paying attention to the difficulties, to what might be called the "rub" of our relationship, opens doorways for us to even more depth and greater intimacy.

This is our "new union." This is the work to which we each dedicated ourselves in our vows. And the work goes on, as the love grows. . . .